Some years ago there was a book published titled “Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarden”, if I am not mistaken it was a best seller. I often think about the messages of the book and wonder if there was a particular period of time when I learned specific lessons. What I know for sure is after my Mother died in 1997 I learned A LOT! A lot about death, family, relationships, parenting, spirituality, and being an adult. Although I was 29 when she died I realize a lot of my lessons were protected and covered by her. Once she died I had to sit alone with the lessons, the protection was removed, and I was forced to rely on conversations we had prior to her death to get through many trials. I’ve decided that I need to preserve those lessons so I am beginning to write them down and process them. Here is the first of many. Some are longer than others but hopefully they will bless you and maybe make your journey easier! Enjoy!
Recently I had two friends tell me they have “given up” on love, that relationships are just not worth the effort. For once I had to admit I was stumped, I had no advice to give, no words of wisdom, no verbal comfort. I knew exactly what they meant. I’d been there a time or two - the hypothetical point of no return! Beat down by useless relationships, dwelling for years in a “relationship” that never really left the starting line - no ready, no set, no starting gun fired, no get up, and no go! Just fantasies, empty promises, and dead ends!
Conversations With My Mother!
As I pondered the conversations with one of my friends about giving up on love I recalled, with great clarity, conversations I had with my Mother in her last days on earth. During her illness I remember a conversation with her complaining about the guy I was dating at the time. I recall her telling me I was too bossy, the tone I used with him was offensive, and that I needed to think about the “requirements” I was placing on him and any potential mates. She’d always been a “matter of fact” person who spoke her truth without hesitation but this conversation really stuck with me. I had this list in my head that identified what “he” should look like, how tall he should be, his style, his presence, his personality, his future profession, etc. I am sure I’d watched some television show or read a book that told me I needed to make a list so I did just that. I never wrote it down, I just kept it in my head, which conveniently made it easy to change/forget when necessary.
My conversation with my Mother about how to avoid future failures in relationships was short and direct that day. She said, “read Proverbs for wisdom and pray to God for guidance.” Proverbs was her favorite book of the Bible and the Bible was her guidebook to life. For me the Bible was something I kept in my apartment as protection, something to ward off all evil. It sat on the night stand and served as a panic button when my spiritual foundation, my Mother, sent me to it instead of just giving me the answers. As her health failed she did not have the energy to quote scripture to me or minister to me through conversation. She sent me to Proverbs, no particular chapter, no particular verse, just Proverbs. It was nearly a year after her death when life seemed to be spiraling out of control and I picked up the Bible and flipped to Proverbs. The lazy Christian that I was I flipped to the last chapter of Proverbs (31) and immediately saw in bold: “Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character”. I am sure my Mother, donned in her heavenly garb, had her right hand on her hip and was shaking her head at me while telling her crew in heaven - “She is always trying to find the short cut!”
The Proverbs 31 Woman
As I read Proverbs 31 that day I realized Mom was right, she’d really set me up to succeed but I had a lot of work to do! What was also apparent was that my focus was always on what “he” needed to have, not the characteristics I required to become a Proverbs 31 woman (Proverbs 31:10 - 31). All this time I had been telling God who He needed to send me. Who did I think I was? One thing that struck me about the Proverbs 31 woman that she was something else! Superhuman like! Truth be told I really thought she was “doing too much” by today’s standards! She had it going on! But what type of man would embrace her? Certainly not those I’d been dating. It was clear, I had to go into my own wilderness, to work on myself! I set no deadlines or time lines, I prayed and asked God to help me get it together. I was prepared to fight the fight, I wasn’t ready to give up on love, matter of fact I knew that I deserved the best God had for me. But in the past my Mother fought my spiritual warfare for me. She prayed and fasted on my behalf, she was the glue that kept the family alive, she stood in the gap for all of us. But now she was gone and I had to do it for myself. My wilderness experience was my own! At 29 all I knew was that I deserved better but I had no idea what that experience would look like. Would God pick me up, turn me around, and save me from myself?……I knew I had a lot to learn and I was headed into the proverbial wilderness not knowing what to expect! One thing I knew for sure, “This Journey Was All Mine” and I had to own it if I were ever going to move beyond it.
Rhonda
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